Work In Progress

This is, the brutally honest, what I'm working on to improve my life page. I'll just list it and try not to judge myself. Ha ha, not judge myself, too funny! You can do that (judge me) in the comments. o.k. here goes.

I want to take better care of myself. To do this I have to:

• Groom. Shower, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and get dressed everyday. 
• Drink water. I'll start with three glasses a day. Much better than the half a glass a day I'm drinking now.
• Eat real food. No more fast food cause I don't want to cook (see House...work below).
• Exercise. Not exorcise the demons. I've done that and it doesn't help. The real kind where you get yourself moving to sweat, and get out of breath. I'm sure my family is thankful I'll be showering more.
• Meditation. Cause it works. I should put this at the top of the list. I did the Oprah & Deepak meditation challenge. You know something works when you see the benefits before you Google them. Of course, feeling better becomes uncomfortable and well, I stopped. Trying it again now.
• Sleep. Properly, and to do that I'm going to focus on positive images before bed. This will take a huge effort because my mind is so used to being able to freely roam into unthinkable places just before I dose off into a not so peaceful sleep. Also, avoid sleep for 12 to 20 hours a day. Yeah, I do that sometimes.
• Lose weight. Hopefully this comes off with water, exercise, and not eating fast food. See the meds that make you grow boobs (see About Me page) also make you unbelievably fat, and here you were thinking it was like a cheap boob job. I have gone from a size 9 to an 18 in a year. If that doesn't depress you I don't know what will. Also, if that doesn't depress you feel free to let me know your secret. I'm open to trying things other than crying.
• Learn. I need to keep my mind active with stuff other than the pending doom shit I'm always so willing to think about. For me that will be reading creative stuff, and getting back into my web design stuff. My skills have cobwebs all over them.

I think that's it for the take better care of myself portion of this overwhelming list. Time to enter phase two. Well, list phase two. Tackling phase two, and what I've now unintentionally named phase one, at the same time would be pointless. Maybe not completely pointless. It would have a nice depressing, stress inducing, quick way back to my room effect. I'm trying to avoid that.

Having said all that, here is the list:

• Work. I used to love my job. The work part of it. And maybe I loved it to the point of obsession caused by the OCD, but do I ever miss it. Not only that, I've decided that it is better to obsess about meaningful stuff than bullshit like how could I die today.
• Socialize. Yup. Gotta talk to people. I kinda miss that too. When I'm not shaking because I'm face to face with someone and I can't think of what to say, and OMG did they know me a year ago when I wasn't so fat and I brushed my hair more often. Sorry, focusing again. Gotta talk to people. Maybe socializing online will help that.
• House...work. The dreaded never enjoyed it, can't wait to get a maid, but can't afford one unless I get a job kind of work. I hate housework. To make matters worse, that wonderful not-a-husband partner of mine has been doing it for four years! Four years! That says something about his character, I know. Back to why it's worse, well, now I haven't done much of it for that long so I suck at it which raises the anxiety, which worsen the OCD symptoms and makes me hate it even more. Add the depression feelings of everything is a God damned chore to begin with, and well maybe you can see why I hate it and don't do it. Or maybe you don't, and think I'm an asshole cause my husband (not-an-official-husband) does all the stupid freaking housework. Note to self: get a better outlook on housework. Note to future readers: Notice how I put this in phase two under the don't tackle this yet. Yeah, it's that bad, and yeah I said brutally honest lists.
• Money. Yes, money. I'm so scared of the shit I didn't do any transactions for a few years. Last year I started using the interac payment option again. Only if you don't use that shit it will fucking ruin any hopes of a better future for you. I've made some progress here like I said, but I really want to be able to use the bank machine, pay in cash, and do things like talk to the teller (maybe that's social). So having no other way to list all that, I say money. In my defense, I used to think money came from the devil. Is that a defense? Might be an excuse.

Of course there are sub-lists to the points above, and I will list those. The OCD wouldn't have it any other way. I may not post the list, but I will talk about them - again, at this point I'm kind of talking to myself but I'm hoping the saying better out than in applies to stuff like this too.