Rants, Raves, Revelations: Misconceptions!

It's a rant! You've been warned!

I've been Facebooking way too much, and came across this lovely infographic everyone who thinks they have a problem has been posting since they had that raise awareness day/week/month thing about mental illness to remove the stigma related to it. Here it is:

First things first, "Depression, Anxiety, and Panic Attacks are not a sign of weakness." I get what they're trying to do, alleviate the stigma associated with mental illness. I just don't get why they need to lie to do that. If you have the flu and you say you feel weak isn't that o.k? If you have cancer and you say you feel weak don't we say that's understandable? Of course, that's what we do, I mean the people are sick, you could even say they have an illness. Oh, you mean you feel weak when you have an illness and that's totally o.k., but when you have mental illness you're not weak? When did being weak while being ill become unacceptable? They've done tests, there are things that are different in a mentally ill brain. The body is not functioning under optimal conditions much like when you are fighting a virus, or cancer, or any other kind of illness. It's o.damn.k to be weak when you are ill. Even when you are mentally ill. It is not, I repeat, not o.damn.k to give up. In fact, I'm going to give you permission right now to be weak while you are ill, mentally or otherwise, because holy shit did I ever want that when I was first fighting this thing. I really wanted to just have some time to feel like shit cause I felt like shit and it sucked. I am not saying give up in any way. I am saying if you give yourself permission to be weak when you are mentally ill you will be more likely to be kinder to yourself. That's what you do when you're ill, right? You do things to make yourself feel better, and you sure as hell don't feel guilty for doing that.  Only with mental illness you can't be weak. That's fucked up version 2.0!

Next, we have the "signs of having tried to remain strong for too long." More bullshit. Plain and simple. If your life sucks at the moment and you're having a hard time with that, you feel sad, upset, hell angry even, guess what?  You may not be depressed. You may have shitty life syndrome. It passes. Also, there are people in the world who have seen so much hardship and they are not depressed, or anxious in the illness sense of the words. They may feel those feelings, but there is a big difference between feeling that way cause life has dealt you lemons from pretty much the get go, and having a mental illness. There are also a lot of people who have had a pretty sweet life who still get mental illness. What are we telling them? What are we telling their families? Now, you can get run down, and that can make you more prone to getting sick. I believe the same is true for someone who becomes mentally ill. Only, there's evidence to suggest you would have gotten it anyway whether or not you've gone through a lot or a little, or have had to be strong or not. The evidence being the wide range of life circumstances of the people who have become ill. Also, learning new coping skills will help, but that shit will help you out under any circumstance. The only reason they teach it to people who have mental illness is because the medication doesn't make you completely better and you have to learn to live with it.

Last, the whole top portion of this stupid infographic suggests that you've tried to be strong and now you're just giving up cause you feel like shit. On the other side of the coin, if you don't get mental illness are you somehow stronger than the ones that do? Then there is, if you don't get mental illness you must not have had to be strong in you're life. Yeah, I realize now my coin has three sides. I guess everyone who hasn't had mental illness has had it easy in life. Let's look at it that way because it just makes so much sense, doesn't it?

I could go on, but I'm going to use some of my fresh out of the box coping skills and walk away. Before my anger gets the better of me I'll leave you with one P.S. to my previous last point, it is that the I share because I care, but that's all I got cause I don't care that much attitude has got to stop! If you care take action, and not friggin Facebook action. Awareness is good and all, but how aware do we need to be before we get off our asses and do something. You want to make someone you know feel like they aren't alone with their mental illness, pick up the phone, text, call, email and don't take offense when they don't feel up to talking. Heck, you want to remove the stigma, send them an ecard saying get well soon, and that you are thinking of them. It doesn't even cost anything, and it is exactly what you would do with any other illness.

My closing, only positive thing I can take from that piece of crap above, we are 1 in 3. If you've got it you are not alone! It can be beaten. Don't give up.

Rants, Raves, Revelations: Values!

It's a revelation!

While beating myself up for faking being sick so I could get out of leaving the house, my daughter gave me an awesome piece of advice! It has something to do with what she learned in her group therapy, called DOTS. You can google it, but make sure you google "DOTS anxiety," or you'll get a lot of crap you aren't looking for. Really, you may still get crap you aren't looking for, but it will narrow it down a bit. You could add "self harm" to the search because that's what the "S" stands for.

It goes like this:

D = Distraction
O = Opting Out
T = Thinking
S = Self Harm

There's a lot of stuff to go with those descriptions, but the little gem of a revelation she gave me is not related to any of that. For the purposes of not going to jail in my mind a hundred times a day until I correct the problem, I'm going to keep this legit and tell you the book it comes from. Googled it myself! It's called "ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy," by Russ Harris. I haven't read it, but it may be good.

Back to the revelation! She brings up those DOTS because she was invited to go somewhere and realized it was these things that we do to ourselves mentally that was keeping her from going. Hmmm, sounds familiar. Go on, please. Then she says "you have to think of your values." What's that? Pardon me? Sorry? Values! We talked about how she was taught about those nasty DOTS, and how they will come up, but when they do think of your values.

Well, holy crap, is it that easy? After trying it this week, for the whole week, I have to tell you it works! It works wonders! Turns out, I value my son's education, and the friendships he's building while receiving that education, a lot. I also value not taking advantage of my daughter's kindness. Enough that when those nasty DOTS start popping up, I've been telling myself "values, remember your values." It got me out of bed and bringing him to school everyday this week! I did not ask my daughter once to do it for me, faced all my fears that blast through my nightly thought parade, and countered all my excuses in the morning. This is some powerful stuff! I'm hoping it sticks and that I remember to use it often because it could just make life a bit better. It has made this week absolutely better.

Couple things to note, I don't self harm in the traditional sense. I prefer skin picking, and I guess neglecting all your responsibilities in life is a form of self harm. Also, to be completely honest before the guilt monster takes over, I took him in a cab everyday except for today, Friday. I also tried to wake my daughter once this morning to ask her to take him. Values won and I took him myself. I'm being honest partly because if I'm not I won't be able to function. It's a symptom of OCD, and the guilt comes with depression, but more importantly, I don't want it to seem like there is this quick fix that's going to make everything better in a few days. That's not realistic. It could also put an expectation on someone reading this, who if they don't meet it, could end up back in bed too.

What are your values? How do you counter your DOTS? Comment below. You never know it could be the thing someone else needs to hear to get them going.

LESSONS LEARNED: What Can I Do?

This little gem is brought to you by the same unknown-counselor-guy who said "What's happening now?" Here I've been going on about how difficult it is to cope, and you know, some days are worse than others. I had completely forgotten about this bit of advice that can be so helpful until I took a survey asking what advice I would give to other OCD suffers. What can I do? That was my answer all while wallowing in self-pity. Today I decided to use the lesson.

Here's how it works. Your thinking, and thinking, and thinking. I think you get the idea. Of course, it's about all the things you've lost because of this monster in your head that seems to dictate what you can and cannot do. Soon the cannots completely snowball into one giant I am unable to function kind of ice cold painful blob. Now, at this point you really want to say but I can go to the store, I'm of age and everything, but that monster has been talking for so long when you try the anxiety kicks in, the thoughts bite you in the ass, and compulsions are all a flutter. So you decide the store is not going to work, and if you're like me you either end up in the bathroom literally picking yourself apart, or head to the safe zone. For me that's my bedroom, but that bathroom picking is a pretty good substitute.

Alright, so those reactions are simply unhelpful, and at least one of them causes noticeable harm. The kind where people start asking questions harm, and that's never good. This is what I find myself explaining to unknown-couselor-guy during a session. And, maybe just to prove his wall certificates are worth more than the dollar store frame they're in he says: What can you do? Wait. What? That simple! Now you're not going to answer with all the things you could do before that little monster kicked you in the ass with his big boots on. If you're like me and hiding in your room for months, you're going to say I can go to the bathroom without waking my not-a-husband, I can open the window, I can leave the blinds open (even at night!). Eventually, you'll be going to the kitchen to get a drink instead of being parched all night, which was kind of a bonus when I couldn't leave the room to go to the bathroom during the night. One day I'll share more on that positive thinking you've just witnessed.

Any who, back to the topic. What can you do? It might be small but it's better than that giant life sucking snowball of what you can't do. Only don't make it too easy. Pick a small challenge and go from there. You don't want to be saying I can tie my shoes, or dress myself unless you really do fear these things. I chose going to the bathroom during the night without waking not-a-husband first because it was a big fear. I had been telling myself all the things I couldn't do, and I'm still working on a few but, BUT I left the room during the night because I chose to walk those ten feet by myself. One small walk for me, one 10k marathon against the OCD.

What It Feels Like To Have OCD

This is what it feels like to live with OCD. You have to face so much fear everyday, and try to look normal.

Daily-ish Deal: Days 2 to 5

I have to say, Thursday was so amazing! I wish everyday could be like Thursday. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, not so good. I hate the crash after a good day. When you wish someone could say or do something to take the weight off you. That's where I am today.

I've also got a touch of the flu too, so that doesn't help. For more reasons than you think. For one, any reason to stick to my room and stay in bed is a deceptive God-send. Another is the "oh, I tried and now I'm sick, so I just shouldn't try" feeling. Also, I love to get high, and I've loved getting high for over 20 years. I used to get high everyday, but I had to quit. Not everyone gets that kind of problem. A friend of mine lost her husband and couldn't understand why people would turn to alcohol or drugs. She doesn't know I have a problem. Some people just can't understand that. I don't want to feel. I feel too much. Now the way out is gone, but for when I get sick. I love Tylenol Cold and Flu Night-time formula, or well any night-time formula I can get my hands on. First sign of a cold, flu, sniffle,or sneeze and I'm on it. I take it and wait for those drowsy feelings to kick in and for a few minutes I get relief from all that I feel. That's where I am today. Taking cold medicine to get slightly high because I can't smoke 4 to 6 grams of weed a day any more. Even not-a-husband doesn't fully understand how vulnerable I am to that lost feeling, so he buys the medicine and then comments on how quickly it's gone. 

I wish I had written on Thursday. I so wanted to write all this inspiring stuff, but now I can't remember any of it. Not because I've taken too much cold meds either. My memory is just not the best any more. I would love to blame the pot, but I had a better memory with it than without it. I was a nicer person then too, and I was pretty high functioning. Excuse the pun.

So that's the deal for the past few days. Sorry it wasn't better. I will leave you with: I will try again tomorrow. 

Daily-ish Dealings: Day 1 (sort of)

Well, here we are starting the week on a Wednesday. At least I am. I was not feeling things on Monday, or Tuesday. Stayed home doing nothing on Monday, which meant I didn’t even cook, so didn’t eat until my not-a-husband-partner went and grabbed take-out. Guess I blew the eating healthy, and the not eating out bit. I didn’t even take my son to school. I did leave the bedroom, and I did have a shower. These should not feel like achievements, but they do. Slightly suggested to my not-a-husband that I was ok with him staying home from work, and he jumped on that band wagon a little too easily. There’s issues there I’ll get into another time.

Tuesday looked a bit better. Dad came by to drag me out of the house, not-a-husband took our son to school, and due to the fact I was leaving the house I changed – after much internal debate about its necessity – into day clothes. Don’t get too excited. I have day clothes that are as close to PJs as they can get without actually giving it away that I’m not really in day clothes. Thank God I reluctantly showered the day before because my dad does not take no for an answer that easily. Breakfast was on his agenda, so off we went to eat at the local diner. Surprisingly, there are some left in this city. I don’t know if it was the getting out with protection, – both dad, and not-a-husband were present – the lack of customers, or if I was so hungry from my lack of food the day before, but did I ever indulge. It actually felt, dare I say it, nice. Dad also brought over a new Ninja so later, after my son came home, I made smoothies. Those were the big accomplishments of the day. Unless, you want to include the rant I had via email with my web hosting provider. I’d rather skip it because I’m not proud of the fact that I’ve had it for almost 2 years but haven’t done anything with it, so now it’s up for renewal. Let’s just not get to the heart of my frustration, and make a general apology to the universe for verbally abusing one of its particles while avoiding my real issues. Aren’t computer screens always easier to face anyway?

Mental flash on Tuesday night: My life sucks, my kids’ lives suck, and it will never change. Jumping right ahead to grandkids, and how I’m going to make their lives suck, I make an empty promise to myself not to let that happen. Deciding that’s an impossible goal I pick up the phone and text assault not-a-husband for not believing in me, not making more of an effort, and for taking time off work. This now seems like a behaviour pattern: blaming others for what I do to myself. He responds with encouraging words and apologies, as well as a question about medication, and I choose not to respond. In other posts I’ve said honesty, actually brutally honest to be quite, well, honest. I never said nice. I never said it would be pretty. Feel free to judge as you will.

Good, moving forward. It’s Wednesday and I’m feeling good from my smoothie i.e. my attempt at healthy eating. Not-a-husband is back at work, and I took my son to school. Yeah, it was in a cab there and back plus drop-off wait time borrowed money, but I’m not dwelling. It’s done. Technically, I left the house, and for some of that time I was alone. This required trusting the cab driver for several minutes, who, of course, would never do anything while I was under the protection of my seven year old. That’s some OCD reasoning for you. Wasn’t I moving on, and not dwelling. Right, next challenge pick-up. Damn it! Pick-up! Quickly solved, called not-a-husband to pick me up on lunch, and I wait at the library, in the same building as the school until pick-up time. Sometimes crowds are my friend other times not so much. Bonus is I will write for the blog while I’m here. Downside you ask? I’ve let my fear get the better part of me for days. On second thought maybe I’m the only one asking what the downside is in this arrangement.

End result I’m here at said library feeling like I would be more comfortable under the table, and I’ve written this much, and I’ve thought about things in-depth. Things like, can I sit at that table while there are people there? Should I make eye contact? No, no eye contact. Are they looking at me? Could anyone of them be following me? My God, what are they typing? What? Just as I’m texting my daughter to see if it’s ok to sit there it hits me. I’m so fucking fed up with these thoughts, and yeah, I still text her to ask but damn it I did not wait for the answer. So win for me. Win for me OCD, and social anxiety!

Happy freaking Wednesday!

LESSONS LEARNED: What's Happening Now?

For a while things were so bad. I cried everyday, I thought demons were watching me, people were out to get me, and I even believed I was chosen by God to be immortal. Completely believed this. Mourned for the loss of my family, and in the end instead of not believing it I told God that I couldn't accept that offer because I didn't want to lose my family. I was also smoking about 4 to 5 grams of pot a day at this point, and believed if I took the medication the doctor was prescribing I would die from the mix of the two. Then someone gave me advice. Not just any someone, a medically trained professional in one of my group therapy sessions. For the life of me, I can't remember his name or actual title, so you're going to have to trust me on that. Other people spoke to him so I know he was real! Also, I've never had the type of delusions where I see people that others don't, which is hopeful. I did believe that he would follow me to my neighborhood and could see me smoking pot all the time, and was reporting it back to the others.

Anyway, back to his advice. I guess he was speaking to the whole group but in my mind at the time he was sending me a message from God. It was simple, it worked, and it still works to this day. What was it? He said to ask yourself "what's happening now?" So simple, but I'm going to explain how I use this to calm myself in times of self inflicted stress inducing delusional states. First, I ask the question, then I answer it. Really the first step is that panic feeling that creeps in with the state of mind. Upon feeling that I have to recognize it for what it is, actually for what it's not, which is reality. It's not reality. Step 1 get feeling not based on reality. Step 2! Ask the question. Step 3, answer it. Only, I can't just say I'm being delusional. My mind won't believe that. I need to provide proof. That's the key to success. You prove it to your mind that there is no danger.

Here's an example. I'm outside walking home from dropping my son off at school. I start to panic that someone on the street is going to attack me, or kidnap me. At this point if I said to myself that I was being delusional my mind could flash a thousand images to prove how true and accurate this feeling is. I have accepted that it is possible that this could happen, but my goal is not to disprove something that can in fact become reality. My goal is to calm the fuck down. Here goes, I ask the questions. The answer in this situation would be: I'm walking, birds are chirping, there is a cat up the street, the air is cold/warm, I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Yup, that's what works for me. In doing that I come out of my head space and focus on the safe parts of the world I am constantly afraid of.

In the beginning this was a Godsend, of course, proving that God was speaking to me through this medical professional. I really do believe - even with the meds - that he was answering a prayer for me. Just not in the whole God took over his body and started speaking directly to me kind of way. I used it all the time. What's happening now? The sky is blue, there are clouds, no their not faces. Skip the clouds. What else is happening now? I'm walking, I'm breathing, there are trees, oh there's a squirrel. In the house to leave my room: what's happening now? I'm in my room, I'm going to the bathroom, I'm washing my hands, I'm in the hallway, my family is here, my cats are here etc. Sounds simple, I know. Only, when the delusions are really bad, and you're not medicated this requires every bit of energy and focus you can muster. It is so worth the effort though.

There you have it. My first Lesson Learned. I hope you find it helpful if you should ever have to use it. I think it saved my life.