Well, here we are starting the week on a Wednesday. At least
I am. I was not feeling things on Monday, or Tuesday. Stayed home doing nothing
on Monday, which meant I didn’t even cook, so didn’t eat until my
not-a-husband-partner went and grabbed take-out. Guess I blew the eating
healthy, and the not eating out bit. I didn’t even take my son to school. I did
leave the bedroom, and I did have a shower. These should not feel like achievements,
but they do. Slightly suggested to my not-a-husband that I was ok with him
staying home from work, and he jumped on that band wagon a little too easily. There’s
issues there I’ll get into another time.
Tuesday looked a bit better. Dad came by to drag me out of
the house, not-a-husband took our son to school, and due to the fact I was
leaving the house I changed – after much internal debate about its necessity –
into day clothes. Don’t get too excited. I have day clothes that are as close
to PJs as they can get without actually giving it away that I’m not really in
day clothes. Thank God I reluctantly showered the day before because my dad
does not take no for an answer that easily. Breakfast was on his agenda, so off
we went to eat at the local diner. Surprisingly, there are some left in this
city. I don’t know if it was the getting out with protection, – both dad, and
not-a-husband were present – the lack of customers, or if I was so hungry from
my lack of food the day before, but did I ever indulge. It actually felt, dare
I say it, nice. Dad also brought over a new Ninja so later, after my son came
home, I made smoothies. Those were the big accomplishments of the day. Unless,
you want to include the rant I had via email with my web hosting provider. I’d
rather skip it because I’m not proud of the fact that I’ve had it for almost 2
years but haven’t done anything with it, so now it’s up for renewal. Let’s just
not get to the heart of my frustration, and make a general apology to the
universe for verbally abusing one of its particles while avoiding my real
issues. Aren’t computer screens always easier to face anyway?
Mental flash on Tuesday night: My life sucks, my kids’ lives
suck, and it will never change. Jumping right ahead to grandkids, and how I’m
going to make their lives suck, I make an empty promise to myself not to let
that happen. Deciding that’s an impossible goal I pick up the phone and text assault
not-a-husband for not believing in me, not making more of an effort, and for
taking time off work. This now seems like a behaviour pattern: blaming others
for what I do to myself. He responds with encouraging words and apologies, as
well as a question about medication, and I choose not to respond. In other
posts I’ve said honesty, actually brutally honest to be quite, well, honest. I
never said nice. I never said it would be pretty. Feel free to judge as you
will.
Good, moving forward. It’s Wednesday and I’m feeling good
from my smoothie i.e. my attempt at healthy eating. Not-a-husband is back at
work, and I took my son to school. Yeah, it was in a cab there and back plus
drop-off wait time borrowed money, but I’m not dwelling. It’s done.
Technically, I left the house, and for some of that time I was alone. This
required trusting the cab driver for several minutes, who, of course, would
never do anything while I was under the protection of my seven year old. That’s
some OCD reasoning for you. Wasn’t I moving on, and not dwelling. Right, next
challenge pick-up. Damn it! Pick-up! Quickly solved, called not-a-husband to
pick me up on lunch, and I wait at the library, in the same building as the
school until pick-up time. Sometimes crowds are my friend other times not so
much. Bonus is I will write for the blog while I’m here. Downside you ask? I’ve
let my fear get the better part of me for days. On second thought maybe I’m the
only one asking what the downside is in this arrangement.
End result I’m here at said library feeling like I would be
more comfortable under the table, and I’ve written this much, and I’ve thought
about things in-depth. Things like, can I sit at that table while there are
people there? Should I make eye contact? No, no eye contact. Are they looking
at me? Could anyone of them be following me? My God, what are they typing?
What? Just as I’m texting my daughter to see if it’s ok to sit there it hits
me. I’m so fucking fed up with these thoughts, and yeah, I still text her to
ask but damn it I did not wait for the answer. So win for me. Win for me OCD,
and social anxiety!
Happy freaking Wednesday!
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