LESSONS LEARNED: What's Happening Now?

For a while things were so bad. I cried everyday, I thought demons were watching me, people were out to get me, and I even believed I was chosen by God to be immortal. Completely believed this. Mourned for the loss of my family, and in the end instead of not believing it I told God that I couldn't accept that offer because I didn't want to lose my family. I was also smoking about 4 to 5 grams of pot a day at this point, and believed if I took the medication the doctor was prescribing I would die from the mix of the two. Then someone gave me advice. Not just any someone, a medically trained professional in one of my group therapy sessions. For the life of me, I can't remember his name or actual title, so you're going to have to trust me on that. Other people spoke to him so I know he was real! Also, I've never had the type of delusions where I see people that others don't, which is hopeful. I did believe that he would follow me to my neighborhood and could see me smoking pot all the time, and was reporting it back to the others.

Anyway, back to his advice. I guess he was speaking to the whole group but in my mind at the time he was sending me a message from God. It was simple, it worked, and it still works to this day. What was it? He said to ask yourself "what's happening now?" So simple, but I'm going to explain how I use this to calm myself in times of self inflicted stress inducing delusional states. First, I ask the question, then I answer it. Really the first step is that panic feeling that creeps in with the state of mind. Upon feeling that I have to recognize it for what it is, actually for what it's not, which is reality. It's not reality. Step 1 get feeling not based on reality. Step 2! Ask the question. Step 3, answer it. Only, I can't just say I'm being delusional. My mind won't believe that. I need to provide proof. That's the key to success. You prove it to your mind that there is no danger.

Here's an example. I'm outside walking home from dropping my son off at school. I start to panic that someone on the street is going to attack me, or kidnap me. At this point if I said to myself that I was being delusional my mind could flash a thousand images to prove how true and accurate this feeling is. I have accepted that it is possible that this could happen, but my goal is not to disprove something that can in fact become reality. My goal is to calm the fuck down. Here goes, I ask the questions. The answer in this situation would be: I'm walking, birds are chirping, there is a cat up the street, the air is cold/warm, I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Yup, that's what works for me. In doing that I come out of my head space and focus on the safe parts of the world I am constantly afraid of.

In the beginning this was a Godsend, of course, proving that God was speaking to me through this medical professional. I really do believe - even with the meds - that he was answering a prayer for me. Just not in the whole God took over his body and started speaking directly to me kind of way. I used it all the time. What's happening now? The sky is blue, there are clouds, no their not faces. Skip the clouds. What else is happening now? I'm walking, I'm breathing, there are trees, oh there's a squirrel. In the house to leave my room: what's happening now? I'm in my room, I'm going to the bathroom, I'm washing my hands, I'm in the hallway, my family is here, my cats are here etc. Sounds simple, I know. Only, when the delusions are really bad, and you're not medicated this requires every bit of energy and focus you can muster. It is so worth the effort though.

There you have it. My first Lesson Learned. I hope you find it helpful if you should ever have to use it. I think it saved my life.